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VINTAGE
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London SW1V 2SA
Vintage is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
Copyright © Neville Singular Limited 2017
Haylen Beck has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
First published by Harvill Secker in 2017
www.penguin.co.uk/vintage
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
For my children.
THE ROAD SWAYED left then right, the rhythm of it making Audra Kinney’s eyelids grow heavier as each mile marker passed. She had given up counting them; it only made the journey slower. Her knuckles complained as she flexed her fingers on the wheel, palms greasy with sweat.
Thank God she’d had the eight-year-old station wagon’s AC serviced earlier in the year. New York summers might be hot, but not like this. Not like Arizona-hot. It’s a dry heat, people said. Yeah, dry like the face of the sun, she thought. Even at five-thirty in the evening, even as the vents blew air cold enough to make goose pimples on her forearms, if she put her fingers to the window, her hand would recoil as if from a boiling kettle.
‘Mom, I’m hungry,’ Sean said from the backseat. That mewling voice that said he was tired and grumpy and liable to get difficult. Louise dozed beside him in her booster chair, her mouth open, blonde sweat-damp hair stuck to her forehead. She held Gogo in her lap, the ragged remains of the stuffed bunny she’d had since she was a baby.
Sean was a good boy. Everyone who knew him said so. But it had never been so clear as these last few days. So much had been asked of him, and he had endured. She looked at him in the mirror. His father’s sharp features and fair hair, but his mother’s long limbs. They had lengthened in recent months, reminding her that her son, now almost eleven, was approaching puberty. He had complained little since they left New York, considering, and he had been a help with his little sister. If not for him, Audra might have lost her sanity out here.
Lost her sanity?
There was nothing sane about this.
‘There’s a town a few miles up ahead,’ Audra said. ‘We can get something to eat. Maybe they’ll have a place we can stay.’
‘I hope they do,’ Sean said. ‘I don’t want to sleep in the car again.’
‘Me neither.’
As if on cue, that pain between her shoulder blades, like the muscles back there coming unstitched. Like she was coming apart, and the stuffing would soon billow out of her seams.
‘How you doing for water back there?’ she asked, looking at him in the rearview mirror. She saw him glance down, heard water slosh in a plastic bottle.
‘I got a little left. Louise drank hers already.’
‘All right. We’ll get some more when we stop.’
Sean returned his attention to the world passing his window. Rocky hills covered in scrub sloping away from the road, cacti standing sentry, arms reaching skyward like surrendering soldiers. Above them, a sheet of deep blue, faint smears of white, a yellowing as the sun travelled west to the horizon. Beautiful country, in its way. Audra would have drunk it in, savored the landscape, had things been different.
If she hadn’t had to run.
But she didn’t really have to run, not truly. She could have waited to let events take their course, but the waiting had been torture, the seconds upon minutes upon hours of just not knowing. So she had packed everything and run. Like a coward, Patrick would say. He’d always said she was weak. Even if he said he loved her with his next breath.
Audra remembered a moment, in their bed, her husband’s chest against her back, his hand cupping her breast. Patrick saying he loved her. In spite of everything, he loved her. As if she didn’t deserve his love, not a woman like her. His tongue always the gentle blade with which to stab at her, so gentle she wouldn’t know she’d been cut until long after, when she would lie awake with his words still rolling in her mind. Rolling like stones in a glass jar, rattling like—
‘Mom!’
Her head jerked up and she saw the truck coming at them, lights flashing. She pulled the wheel to the right, back onto her own side of the road, and the truck passed, the driver giving her a dirty look. Audra shook her head, blinked away the grimy dryness from her eyes, breathed in hard through her nose.
Not that close. But still too close. She cursed under her breath.
‘You all right?’ she asked.
‘Yeah,’ Sean said, his voice coming from deep in his throat, the way it did when he didn’t want her to know he was scared. ‘Maybe we should pull over soon.’
Louise spoke now, her words thick with sleep. ‘What happened?’
‘Nothing,’ Sean said. ‘Go back to sleep.’
‘But I’m not sleepy,’ she said. Then she gave a cough, a rattle beneath it. She’d been doing that since early this morning, the cough becoming more persistent through the day.
Audra watched her daughter in the mirror. Louise getting sick was the last thing she needed. She’d always been more prone to illness than her brother, was small for her age, and skinny. She hugged Gogo, her head rocked back, and her eyes closed again.
The car rose onto an expanse of flat land, desert stretching out all around, mountains to the north. Were they the San Francisco Peaks? Or the Superstitions? Audra didn’t know, she’d have to check a map to remind herself of the geography. It didn’t matter. All that mattered right this second was the small general store off the road up ahead.
‘Mom, look.’
‘Yeah, I see it.’
‘Can we pull in?’
‘Yeah.’
Maybe they’d have coffee. One good strong cup would get her through the next few miles. Audra turned the blinker on to signal a right turn, eased onto the side road, then left across a cattle grid and onto the sandy expanse of forecourt. The sign above the store read GROCERIES AND ENGRAVING, red block lettering on a white board. The low building was constructed of wood, a porch with benches running along its length, the windows dark, points of artificial light barely visible beyond the dusty glass.
Too late, she realized the only car parked in front was a police cruiser. State highway patrol or county sheriff, she couldn’t tell from here.
‘Shit,’ she said.
‘You said a curse, Mom.’
‘I know. Sorry.’
Audra slowed the station wagon, its tires crunching grit and stones. Should she turn around, get back on the road? No. The sheriff or patrolman or whoever sat in that car, he’d have noticed her by now. Turning around would arouse suspicion. The cop would start paying attention.
She pulled the car up in front of the store, as far away from the cruiser as she could manage without looking like she was keeping her distance. The engine rattled as it died, and she pressed the key to her lips as she thought. Get out, get what you need. Nothing wrong with that. I’m just someone who needed a coffee, maybe a couple of sodas, some potato chips.
For the last few days Audra had been aware of every law-enforcement vehicle she saw. Would they be looking for her? Common sense told her no, they almost certainly weren’t. It wasn’t like she was a fugitive, was it? But still, that small and terrified part of her brain wouldn’t let go of the fear, wouldn’t quit telling her they were watching, searching for her. Hunting her, even.
But if they were looking for anyone, it’d be the kids.
‘Wait here with Louise,’ she said.
‘But I want to come too,’ Sean said.
‘I need you to look after your sister. Don’t argue.’
‘Aw, man.’
‘Good boy.’
She lifted her purse from the passenger seat, her sunglasses from the cup holder. Heat screamed in as she opened the driver’s door. She climbed out as quickly as she could, closed the door to keep the cool air in, the hot air out. Her cheeks and forearms took the force of the sun, her pale freckled skin unaccustomed to the sheer ferocity of it. She had used the little sunscreen she had for the kids; she would take the burn and save the money.
Audra allowed herself a brief study of the cruiser as she slipped on her shades: one person in the driver’s seat, male or female, she couldn’t tell. The insignia read: ELDER COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT. She turned in a circle, stretched her limbs as she did so, saw the hills that climbed above and behind the store, the quiet road, the tumbling rolls of desert scrub on the other side. As she completed the circle, she took one more look at the sheriff’s car. The driver took a drink of something, appeared to be paying her no attention.
She stepped onto the concrete porch, walked toward the door, felt the wash of cool air as she opened it. Despite the chill, stale odors rode the current out into the heat. Inside, the dimness forced her to lift her shades onto her forehead, though she would rather have kept them on. Better to risk being remembered for buying water than for tripping over boxes, she thought.
An elderly lady with dyed black hair sat behind the counter at the far end of the store, a pen in one hand, a puzzle book in the other. She did not look up from it to acknowledge the customer’s presence, which suited Audra well enough.
A cooler full of water and soda hummed against the wall. Audra took three bottles of water and a Coke.
‘Excuse me,’ she called to the elderly woman.
Without lifting her head, the woman said, ‘Mm-hm?’
‘You got a coffee machine?’
‘No, ma’am.’ The woman pointed her pen to the west. ‘Silver Water, about five miles that way, they got a diner. Their coffee’s pretty good.’
Audra approached the counter. ‘Okay. Just these, then.’
As she placed the four plastic bottles on the counter, Audra noticed the glass cabinet mounted on the wall. A dozen pistols of different shapes and sizes, revolvers, semi-automatics, at least as far as she could tell. She’d lived on the east coast all her life, and even knowing Arizona was gun country, she still found the sight of the weapons startling. A soda and a gun, please, she thought, and the idea almost made her laugh out loud.
The woman rang up the drinks, and Audra dug inside her purse, fearing for a moment that she had run out of cash. There, she found a ten folded inside a drugstore receipt, and handed it over, waited for her change.
‘Thank you,’ she said, lifting the bottles.
‘Mm-hm.’
The woman had hardly glanced at her through the whole exchange, and Audra was glad of it. Maybe she would remember a tall auburn-haired lady, if anyone asked. Maybe she wouldn’t. Audra went to the door and out into the wall of heat. Sean watched her from the back of the station wagon, Louise still dozing beside him. She turned her head toward the cruiser.
It had gone.
A dark stain on the ground where the cop had poured his drink out, the ghosts of tires on the grit. She shaded her eyes with her hand, looked around, saw no sign of the car. The relief that followed shocked her; she hadn’t realized how nervous the cruiser’s presence had made her.
No matter. Get on the road, get to the town the woman mentioned, find somewhere to rest for the night.
Audra went to the rear car door, Louise’s side, and opened it. She crouched down, handed a bottle of water over to Sean, then gave her daughter a gentle shake. Louise groaned and kicked her legs.
‘Wake up, sweetie.’
Louise rubbed her eyes, blinked at her mother. ‘What?’
Audra unscrewed the cap, held the bottle to Louise’s lips.
‘Don’t wanna,’ Louise said, her voice a croaking whine.
Audra pressed the bottle to Louise’s mouth. ‘Don’t wanna, but you’re gonna.’
She tipped the bottle, and water trickled between Louise’s lips. Louise let go of Gogo, took the bottle from Audra’s hand, and swallowed in a series of gulps.
‘See?’ Audra said. She looked over to Sean. ‘You drink up too.’
Sean did as he was told, and Audra got into the driver’s seat. She reversed away from the store, turned, and drove back to the cattle grid and the road beyond. No traffic, she didn’t have to wait at the intersection. The car’s engine rumbled as the convenience store shrank in the rearview mirror.
The children remained quiet, only the sound of swallowing and satisfied exhalations. Audra held the bottle of Coke between her thighs as she unscrewed the cap, then she took a long swallow, the cold fizz burning her tongue and throat. Sean and Louise guffawed when she burped, and she turned to grin at them.
‘Good one, Mom,’ Sean said.
‘Yeah, that was a good one,’ Louise said.
‘I aims to please,’ Audra said, looking back to the road ahead.
No sign yet of the town. Five miles, the woman had said, and Audra had counted two markers, so a while to go still. But not far. Audra imagined a motel, a nice clean one, with a shower – oh God, a shower – or, even better, a bath. She indulged in a fantasy of a motel room with cable, where she could let the kids watch cartoons while she wallowed in a tub full of warm water and bubbles, letting the grime and the sweat and the weight of it all just wash away.
Another mile marker, and she said, ‘Not far now, maybe another two miles, all right?’
‘Good,’ Sean said.
Louise’s hands shot up and she let out a quiet, ‘Yay.’
Audra smiled once more, already feeling the water on her skin.
Then her gaze passed the mirror, and she saw the sheriff’s cruiser following behind.
A SENSATION LIKE cold hands gripping her shoulders, her heart knocking hard.
‘Don’t panic,’ she said.
Sean leaned forward. ‘What?’
‘Nothing. Sit back, make sure your seat belt’s done up right.’
Don’t panic. He might not be following you. Just watch your speed. Don’t give him a reason to stop you. Audra alternated her attention between the speedometer and the road ahead, the needle hovering around fifty-five as she drove through another series of bends.
The cruiser maintained its distance, maybe fifty yards, neither gaining nor falling back. It lingered there, following. Yes, it was definitely following. Audra swallowed, shifted her hands on the wheel, fresh sweat prickling on her back.
Take it easy, she told herself. Don’t panic. They’re not looking for you.
The road straightened once more, passed beneath rows of cables strung between the pylons on either side. The surface seemed to grow rougher as she travelled, her station wagon juddering. The mountains on the horizon again. She focused on them, a point on which to concentrate her mind.
Ignore the cop. Just look ahead.
But the cruiser swelled in the mirror, the sheriff’s car drawing close. She could see the driver now, a broad head, broader shoulders, thick fingers on the wheel.
He wants to pass, she thought. Go ahead and pass.
But he didn’t pass.
Another mile marker, and a sign that said: SILVER WATER NEXT RIGHT.
‘I’ll turn off,’ Audra said. ‘I’ll turn off and he’ll keep going.’
Sean said, ‘What?’
‘Nothing. Drink your water.’
Up ahead, the turn.
She reached for the stalk to signal, but before her fingers could touch it, she heard a single electronic WHOOP! In the mirror she saw the flickering lights, blue and red.
‘No,’ Audra said.
Sean craned his neck to see out the back window. ‘Mom, that’s the police.’
‘Yeah,’ Audra said.
‘Are they pulling us over?’
‘I think so.’
Another WHOOP! and the cruiser pulled out and accelerated until it was level with the station wagon. The passenger window rolled down, and the driver pointed to the roadside.
Audra nodded, signaled, and pulled onto the verge, kicking up dirt and debris. The cruiser slowed and pulled in behind her. Both cars halted, shrouded in dust so that Audra could barely see the other, apart from its lights still spinning and flashing.
Louise stirred again. ‘What’s happening?’
‘The police pulled us over,’ Sean said.
‘Are we in trouble?’ she asked.
‘No,’ Audra said, with too much force to be convincing. ‘Nobody’s in trouble. I’m sure it’s nothing. Just sit tight, let Mommy handle it.’
She watched the mirror as the dust cleared. The cruiser’s door opened, and the cop climbed out. He paused there, adjusted his belt, the pistol grip jutting from its holster, then reached back into the car for his hat. A middle-aged man, maybe fifty, fifty-five. Dark hair turning salt-and-pepper. Solid build, but not fat, thick forearms. The sort of man who might have played football in his younger days. His eyes hidden behind mirror shades, he lowered the wide-brimmed hat onto his head, the same beige as his uniform. He put a hand to the butt of his pistol and approached the driver’s side.
‘Shit,’ Audra whispered. All the way from New York, sticking to county roads when she could, avoiding highways, and she had not been stopped once. So close to California, and now this. She gripped the wheel tight, to hide the shakes.
The cop paused at Louise’s window, dipped his head to peer in at the children. Then he came to Audra’s window, tapped it, moved his hand in a circular motion, telling her to wind it down. She reached for the button on the door, held it as the window whirred and groaned.
‘Evening, ma’am,’ he said. ‘Do me a favor and shut the engine off, please.’
Be casual, Audra thought as she turned the key in the ignition to the off position. Everything’s going to be all right. Just stay calm.
‘Evening,’ she said. ‘Is something the matter, Officer?’
The nametag above his badge read SHERIFF R. WHITESIDE.
‘License and registration, please,’ he said, his eyes still hidden behind the shades.
‘In the glove compartment,’ she said, pointing.
He nodded. She kept her hands slow as she reached across, popped the catch, a bundle of maps and litter threatening to spill into the footwell. A few moments digging and she had the documents. He studied them, his face expressionless, while she returned her hands to the wheel.
‘Audra Kinney?’
‘That’s right,’ she said.
‘Mrs, Miss, or Ms?’ he asked.
‘Mrs, I guess.’
‘You guess?’
‘I’m separated. Not divorced yet.’
‘I see,’ he said, handing the documents back. ‘You’re a long way from home.’
She took them, held them in her lap. ‘Road trip,’ she said. ‘We’re going to visit friends in California.’
‘Uh-huh,’ he said. ‘Everything all right, Mrs Kinney?’
‘Yes, I’m fine.’
He put his hand on the car roof, leaned down a little, spoke in a low drawl that came from far back in his throat. ‘Just you seem a little nervous there. Any particular reason for that?’
‘No,’ she said, knowing the lie was clear on her face. ‘I just get nervous when I’m stopped by the police.’
‘Happen often, does it?’
‘No. I just mean anytime I have been stopped, I get—’
‘I expect you’ll want to know why I pulled you over today.’
‘Yes, I mean, I don’t think I—’
‘The reason I pulled you over is the car’s overloaded.’
‘Overloaded?’
‘She’s bearing down on the rear axle. Why don’t you step on out and take a look?’
Before Audra could reply, the sheriff opened the door and stood back. She sat still, the documents still held in her lap, looking up at him.
‘I asked you to step out of the vehicle, ma’am.’
Audra set the license and registration on the passenger seat and unfastened her seat belt.
‘Mom?’
She turned to Sean and said, ‘It’s all right. I just need to speak with the officer. I’ll be right here. Okay?’
Sean nodded, then turned his attention back to the sheriff. Audra climbed out, the sun fierce hot on her skin once more.
The sheriff pointed as he walked to the back of the car. ‘Look, see? You ain’t got enough clearance between the tire and the top of the wheel arch.’
He put his hands on the roof and pushed down, rocking the station wagon on its suspension. ‘Look at that. The roads around here aren’t too good, no money to fix them. You hit a pothole too hard and you’re in a world of trouble. I seen people lose control over something like this, they shred a tire, break the axle, or Lord knows what, and they wind up upside down in a ditch or hit an oncoming truck. It ain’t pretty, let me tell you. I can’t let you drive like that.’
A shivery relief broke in Audra; this sheriff didn’t know who she was, wasn’t looking for her. But it was tempered by his insistence on stopping her. She needed to keep moving, but not at the risk of getting on the wrong side of this man.
‘I’ve only got a little way to go,’ she said, pointing to the turn up ahead. ‘I’m heading to Silver Water for the night. I can get rid of some stuff there.’
‘Silver Water?’ he asked. ‘You staying at Mrs Gerber’s guesthouse?’
‘I hadn’t decided yet.’
The sheriff shook his head. ‘Either way, still more than a mile to Silver Water, narrow road, lot of switchbacks. A lot could happen between here and there. Tell you what … grab your keys and step back here, off the road.’
‘If I could just keep going a little further, I’ll be—’
‘Ma’am, I’m trying to be helpful here. Now just grab those keys like I asked you and come on back here.’
Audra reached into the car, around the steering wheel, and took the keys from the ignition.
‘Mom, what’s happening?’ Sean asked. ‘What does he want?’
‘It’s all right,’ Audra said. ‘We’ll get it figured out in a minute. Just you stay put and keep an eye on your sister. Can you do that for me?’
Sean twined his fingers. ‘Yes, Mom.’
‘Good boy,’ she said, and gave him a wink.
She brought the keys back to the sheriff – Whiteside, wasn’t it? – and handed them over.
‘Step onto the shoulder for me,’ he said, pointing to the dirt at the side of the road. ‘Don’t want you getting hit by something.’
She did as she was told, Sean and Louise twisting in their seats to watch through the back window.
Whiteside reached for the trunk release. ‘Let’s see what we got back here.’
Was he allowed to do that? Just open her trunk and look inside? Audra put a hand over her mouth, kept her silence as he surveyed the packed boxes, bags of clothes, two baskets full of toys.
‘Tell you what I can do for you,’ he said, standing back, hands on his hips. ‘I’ll move some of this stuff over to my car, just to lighten the load, follow you into Silver Water – I’d say Mrs Gerber will be glad of the custom – and then you can figure out what to do. You’re going to have to leave some stuff behind, I’ll tell you that right now. There’s a Goodwill store, I’m sure they’ll help you out. This here is about the poorest patch of land in the state, and the Goodwill store is about the only one left in business. Anyway, let’s see what you got.’
Whiteside leaned in and hauled a box to the lip of the trunk. Folded blankets and sheets on top. All bedding and towels underneath, Audra remembered. She had packed the kids’ favorite covers and pillowcases: Star Wars for Sean, Doc McStuffins for Louise. She saw the bright pastel shades as the sheriff dug down into the box.
It crossed her mind then to ask why he was looking inside the box, and she opened her mouth to do so, but he spoke first.
‘Ma’am, what’s this?’
He stood upright, his left hand still inside the box, a stack of sheets and blankets held back. Audra stood still for a moment, her mind unable to connect his question to a logical answer.
‘Blankets and stuff,’ she said.
He pointed inside the box with his right hand. ‘And this?’
Fear flicked on like a light. She thought she had been frightened before, but no, that had been simple worry. But this, now, was fear. Something was going terribly wrong here, and she could not grasp what it was.
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she said, unable to keep a tremor from creeping into her voice.
‘Maybe you should come take a look,’ he said.
Audra took slow steps toward him, her sneakers crunching on sand and grit. She leaned in, looked down into the dim innards of the box. A shape there that she couldn’t quite make sense of.
‘I don’t know what that is,’ she said.
Whiteside slipped his right hand down inside, gripped whatever it was by its edge, and drew it out into the hard light.
‘Care to take a guess?’ he asked.
No question what it was. A good-sized baggie half full of dried green leaves.
She shook her head and said, ‘That’s not mine.’
‘I’d say that looks a lot like marijuana. Wouldn’t you?’
The cold fear in Audra’s breast spread to her arms and thighs like ice water soaking through her clothes. Numb at the center of her. Yes, she knew what it was. But she hadn’t used in years. She’d been completely straight for the last two. Not even a beer.
‘It’s not mine,’ she said.
‘You sure about that?’
‘Yes, I’m sure,’ she said, but a small part of her thought, there was a time, wasn’t there ? Could I have stashed it and forgotten it lay among the sheets? Couldn’t have. Could I?
‘Then you care to tell me how this wound up in the trunk of your car?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said, and she wondered, could it be? Could it?
No. Absolutely not. She hadn’t smoked anything since before her marriage, and she had moved apartments three times. No way the bag could have followed her here, no matter how careless she was.
Heat in her eyes, tears threatening, her hands beginning to shake. But she had to keep control. For the kids, she thought. Don’t let them see you lose it. She wiped a palm across her cheek, sniffed hard.
Whiteside held the bag up to the light, gave it a shake. ‘Well, we’re going to have a talk about who owns this. I tell you, though, I think this is a touch more than could be considered for personal use. So it’s going to be a long and serious talk.’
Audra’s knees weakened, and she put a hand on the lip of the trunk to steady herself.
‘Sir, I swear to God, that’s not mine and I don’t know where it came from.’
And that was the truth, wasn’t it?
‘Like I said, ma’am, we’re going to have a talk about that.’ Whiteside set the baggie on top of the blankets and reached for the cuffs on his belt. ‘But right now, I’m placing you under arrest.’
‘WHAT?’
Audra’s legs threatened to give way. Had she not been leaning against the car, she would have collapsed to the ground.
‘Mom?’ Sean had undone his seat belt and was leaning over the backseat, his eyes wide. ‘Mom, what’s happening?’
Louise stared back too, fear on her face. Tears made hot tracks down Audra’s cheeks. She sniffed again and wiped them away.
‘This can’t be,’ she said.
Whiteside’s features remained blank. ‘Ma’am, I need you to come with me to my car.’
Audra shook her head. ‘But … but my children.’
He stepped closer, lowered his voice. ‘For their sake, let’s keep this civil, now. You just do like I say and this whole thing’s going to go a lot easier for you and them. Now come on.’
Whiteside reached for her arm and she allowed him to guide her away from the back of her station wagon to the front of his cruiser.
‘Mom? Mom!’
‘Tell him it’s all right,’ Whiteside said.
Audra looked back to her car. ‘It’s all right, Sean. Look after your sister. We’ll get this straightened out in a few minutes.’
They reached the cruiser, and he said, ‘Empty your pockets onto the hood there.’
Audra dug into the pockets of her jeans, made a pile of tissues and loose change on the hood. Whiteside tossed the bag of marijuana on top.
‘That’s it? Now turn your pockets inside out.’
She did so, and he turned her by the arm so she had her back to him.
‘Hands behind your back.’
Audra heard the snick-click of metal, felt his hard fingers on her wrist.
‘You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney during interrogation; if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand?’
As cool metal wrapped around each of her wrists, the back door of the station wagon opened. Sean spilled out, landed on his hands and knees on the dirt.
‘Mom, what’s happening?’ he called as he scrambled to his feet.
From inside the car, Louise’s frightened cries, rising.
‘Everything’s all right,’ Audra said, but Sean kept coming.
‘Do you understand?’ Whiteside asked again.
Sean, running now, said, ‘Hey, let my mom go.’
‘Sean, just get back—’
Whiteside jerked and twisted the cuffs, shooting pain into Audra’s wrists and shoulders. She cried out, and Sean skidded to a halt.
‘Do you understand your rights?’ Whiteside asked once more, his mouth at her ear.
‘Yes,’ she said, the word squeezed between her teeth, the steel biting into her skin.
‘Then say it. Say, yes, I understand.’
‘Yes, I understand.’
‘Thank you.’ He turned to Sean. ‘Best get back in the car now, son. We’ll get this all settled in a minute or two.’
Sean raised himself to his full height, tall for his age, but he looked so tiny there on the side of the road.
‘Let my mom go.’
‘I can’t do that, son. Now go on back to the car.’ He jerked the cuffs again, spoke into her ear. ‘Tell him.’
Audra hissed at the pain.
‘Tell him, or this is going to get complicated.’
‘Sean, go back to the car,’ she said, fighting to keep the fear from her voice. ‘Listen, your sister’s crying. You need to go and take care of her. Go on, be a good boy for me.’
He pointed at Whiteside. ‘Don’t you hurt her,’ he said, then he turned and walked back to the station wagon, glancing back over his shoulder as he went.
‘Brave boy,’ Whiteside said. ‘Now, you got anything sharp on you? Anything that might cut me when I search you?’
Audra shook her head. ‘No, nothing. Wait, what, search me?’
‘That’s right,’ Whiteside said as he hunkered down behind her. He wrapped his big hands around her ankle and squeezed, moving the fabric of her jeans against his palms.
‘You can’t do that,’ she said. ‘Can you? A woman officer should do it.’
‘I can search you, and that’s what I’m doing. You don’t get special treatment just for being a woman. Was a time I could have called on the Silver Water PD for a female officer, just as a courtesy to you, not because I’m obliged to – I’m not – but not anymore. Mayor closed the P D three years ago. Town couldn’t afford it anymore.’
His hands worked their way up her calf and thigh, squeezing, exploring. Then he pressed the back of one hand up between her thighs, into her crotch, only for a moment, but enough to close her eyes and sour her stomach. Then across her buttocks, into the hip pockets, and down the other leg, before his forefingers probed down into her sneakers. Then he stood, hands brushing down her sweat-soaked back, around the front, across her stomach, skimming the outline of her breasts, up to her shoulders, down her arms.
It wasn’t until he was done that Audra realized she had been holding her breath. Now she released it in one long, quivering exhalation.
Then she heard the crying coming from her car, higher and higher, nearing hysterical. ‘My children,’ she said.
‘Don’t worry about them,’ Whiteside said, and he guided her to the back of his cruiser. He opened the passenger-side door. ‘Watch your head.’
He placed a hand on top of her scalp, pressed down, guided her inside.
‘Feet,’ he said.
Audra wondered what he meant for a moment before she understood, then she lifted her feet into the cruiser. He slammed the door shut, and the world seemed suddenly hushed.
‘Oh God,’ she said, and she could hold back the tears no longer. ‘Oh God.’
Panic rattled inside her mind, inside her chest, promising to drive out all reason if she did not get it under control. She forced herself to breathe in deep through her nose, hold it, breathe out through her mouth, the tip of her tongue pressed to the back of her teeth. The relaxation exercise she’d learned when she was getting clean. Focus on the now, find something with your eyes, concentrate on that until the world levels off.
Through the cage that separated the cruiser’s backseat from the front, she saw a two-inch tear in the seam of the leather-upholstered headrest. She stared at that, breathing, in, hold, out, in, hold, out.
In her peripheral vision, she saw Whiteside move to the back of the cruiser, then heard the trunk open and close again. He went to the front, lifted the baggie full of marijuana from the hood, dropped it into a brown envelope, did the same with the scraps of tissue and change she’d taken from her pockets. She returned her gaze to the tear in the headrest, refocused on her breathing. The passenger door opened, and Whiteside tossed the two envelopes onto the seat before bending down to peer in at her.
‘You got family nearby?’
‘No,’ Audra said.
‘Anyone can come pick up the kids for you?’
‘I have a friend,’ she said. ‘In California. San Diego.’
‘Well, that don’t help us much right now, does it? What about their father? Where’s he at?’
‘New York. We’re not together anymore.’
Whiteside exhaled through pursed lips, disappeared in thought for a few moments, and then nodded, a decision made. He reached for the radio handset on the dashboard.
‘Collins, you out there?’ He remained still for a moment, his head cocked, listening. ‘Collins, where are you?’
A crackle, then a woman’s voice. ‘I’m out on the Gisela Road, sir. What do you need?’
‘I’m on the County Road, right by the Silver Water turnoff,’ he said. ‘I just made an arrest for possession. I got two kids in the suspect’s car, so I’m going to need you to take care of them, all right? And see if you can get a hold of Emmet. I need a tow out here.’
Silence for a few seconds before Whiteside spoke again.
‘Collins?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You think you can get hold of Emmet for me?’
Another pause, and Whiteside moistened his lips.
‘Collins? Yes or no?’
‘Will do,’ the woman said. ‘Give me five, ten minutes.’
Whiteside thanked her and put the handset back into its cradle. He looked back to Audra and said, ‘All right. Now we just sit tight and wait awhile.’
Through the open door, Audra heard Louise’s wailing, cutting through the simmering panic in her mind.
‘Listen,’ she said. ‘My children are crying. I can’t leave them there.’
He sighed, then said, ‘All right. I’ll go see to them.’
‘Wait, can I—’
The door slammed closed, rocking the car on its suspension. As she watched him stroll toward her station wagon, Audra said a silent prayer.
SEAN WATCHED THROUGH the open trunk hatch as the big man approached. Louise squealed, clutching Gogo tight. The bundle of stuffing and pink rag that had once been a rabbit still had two eyes, but barely.
‘Shut up,’ Sean said. ‘Mom said everything’s going to be all right. So just be quiet, okay?’
No good. She kept crying, even louder when the big policeman slammed the trunk closed. He came around to Sean’s door and opened it, hunkered down there so he was eye level with both of them.
‘You kids doing all right here?’
‘What’s happening?’ Sean asked.
The policeman wiped a hand across his mouth. ‘Well, I can’t lie to you, son. Your mom’s in a little bit of trouble.’
‘But she didn’t do anything.’
Sheriff Whiteside – Sean read his nametag – took off his mirrored sunglasses, showing his gray eyes. And something there frightened Sean to the very core of him, scared him so bad it made his bladder ache and itch for release.
‘Well, see, that’s the thing,’ Whiteside said. ‘She had something in the trunk there that she shouldn’t have. Something illegal. Now I have to take her into town, so we can have a talk about it. But I promise you, everything’s going to be all right.’
‘What did she have?’ Sean asked.
The sheriff gave a weak smile. ‘Something she shouldn’t. That’s all. Everything’s going to be all right.’
Now Whiteside let his gaze travel around the car, crawling over Sean and Louise, and Sean could almost feel the eyes on him, picking over his skin. The sheriff raised himself a little so he could get a better look at Louise, studied the length of her from her head all the way down her body, her legs, to her feet. He nodded, and his tongue appeared between his lips, wet them, and retreated.
‘Everything’s going to be all right,’ he said again. ‘Now here’s what’s going to happen. Like I said, I need to take your mom into town and have a talk with her, but I can’t leave you out here all alone. So my colleague, Deputy Collins, is going to come out here and take you somewhere safe to look after you.’
Louise gave a high whine. ‘Are we going to jail?’
Whiteside smiled, but the look that frightened Sean lingered in his eyes. ‘No, sweetheart. You’re not going to jail. Deputy Collins is going to take you to a safe place.’
‘Where?’ Sean asked.
‘A safe place. You don’t need to worry about it. Everything’s going to be all right.’
‘Can I take Gogo?’ Louise asked.
‘Sure you can, sweetheart. Deputy Collins will be here in just a minute, and everything will be all right.’
‘You keep saying that.’
Whiteside looked at Sean, his smile fading. ‘What?’
Then Sean realized what bothered him about the sheriff’s eyes.
‘You keep saying everything’s going to be all right. But you look scared.’
Whiteside blinked, and his smile hardened. ‘I’m not scared, son. I just want both of you to know you’re safe. Deputy Collins is going to take good care of you. Your mom and me, we’ll have this figured out in no time, and you can all go home. Hey, you didn’t tell me your names.’
Sean closed his mouth.
Whiteside looked to Louise, whose wailing had subsided to hitches and sniffles. ‘What’s your name, sweetheart?’
‘Louise.’
‘And what’s your brother’s name?’
‘Sean.’
‘Good names,’ Whiteside said, smiling big enough to show his teeth. ‘Where you from?’
‘New York,’ Louise said.
‘New York,’ he echoed. ‘That right? Well, you’re a long way from home.’
‘We’re moving to California,’ Louise said.
‘Shut up,’ Sean said. ‘We don’t have to tell him anything.’
Whiteside gave a single laugh. ‘The young lady can talk to me if she wants to.’
Sean turned to him, gave him a hard stare. ‘I saw it on TV. We don’t have to tell you anything at all.’
The sheriff turned back to Louise. ‘Your big brother’s a smart boy. I think he’s going to be a lawyer some day, what do you think?’
Louise hugged Gogo tight. ‘Don’t know.’
‘Well, we’re just talking, passing the time, right? Like people do. And I just wanted to make sure you kids were all right. You both got water there?’
Louise lifted her bottle, showed him. Sean stared straight ahead.
‘Well, drink up. It’s hot out here. Don’t want you getting dehydrated.’
Louise took a long swallow. Sean did not.
A rumble from somewhere outside, and the sheriff looked along the road.
‘Here she comes,’ he said, standing upright.
Sean peered around the front seat’s headrest, through the windshield. Another cruiser approached, slowed, and turned. It reversed along the shoulder until its rear fender was a few feet from the station wagon’s front. A younger woman in a uniform like Whiteside’s climbed out. She had blonde hair pinned back, a firm jaw like a boy’s, narrow at the hips.
Deputy Collins passed across the front of the car, joined Whiteside by the door.
‘This is Sean and Louise,’ he said. ‘They’re a little upset, but I told them you’d take good care of them. Isn’t that right?’
‘That’s right,’ she said as she crouched down. ‘Hi, Sean. Hi, Louise. I’m Deputy Collins, and I’m going to look after you. Just for a little while until we get all this settled. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be all right.’
Sean felt a cold finger on his heart when he saw her blue eyes; despite her smile and her soft voice, she looked even more scared than the sheriff.
‘Now you guys come on with me.’
‘Where are you taking us?’ Sean asked.
‘Somewhere safe,’ Collins said.
‘But where?’
‘Somewhere safe. Maybe you could help Louise with her seat belt.’
Sean went to answer, to tell her no, they weren’t going anywhere, but Louise said, ‘I can do it myself. The man said I could take Gogo.’
‘Sure you can,’ Collins said.
Before Sean could stop her, Louise was out of her booster seat, clambering across him, taking Collins’ hand. As the deputy helped her down, Sean stayed put.
Collins reached her free hand out to him. ‘Come on.’
Sean crossed his arms. ‘I don’t think I should.’
‘Sean, you don’t have a choice,’ she said. ‘You have to come with me.’
‘No.’
Whiteside bent down, spoke in a low voice. ‘Son, like the deputy told you, you don’t have a choice in this. If I have to, I’ll put you under arrest, put handcuffs on you, and carry you to the deputy’s car. Or you can just get on out and walk to it. What’s it going to be?’
‘You can’t arrest me,’ Sean said.
The sheriff leaned in close, the fear in his eyes edging into anger. ‘You absolutely sure of that, son?’
Sean swallowed and said, ‘Okay.’
He climbed out, and Whiteside put a heavy hand on his shoulder, guided him toward the cruiser, Collins holding Louise’s hand as she led the way. Collins opened the rear door of her car and helped Louise inside.
‘Scoot on over, honey,’ Collins said. She held a hand out for Sean.
Sean turned to look back at the sheriff’s car, tried to see his mother through the windshield. All he could make out was a vague shape that might or might not have been her. Whiteside’s thick fingers tightened on his shoulder, kept him moving toward Collins.
‘In you go,’ Collins said, a hand under his arm, maneuvering him into the car. ‘Do me a favor and help put your sister’s seat belt on, all right?’
Sean paused when he saw the car’s rear seat covered in a sheet of clear plastic, taped in place, covering the bench, the seatback, the footwells, the headrests. Collins put a hand to the small of his back, pushed him fully inside.
The door closed behind him, and he peered out through the dusty glass as the two police officers talked, their heads close together. Collins nodded at whatever Whiteside told her, then the sheriff turned and walked back toward his own vehicle. Collins stood still for a time, a hand over her mouth, staring at nothing. Sean had a moment to wonder what thoughts held her there, before she walked around the car, opened the driver’s door, and lowered herself inside.
As she turned the key in the ignition, she looked back at Sean and said, ‘I asked you to help your sister with her seat belt. Can you do that for me?’
Without taking his eyes off Collins, Sean pulled the belt across Louise, fastened it, then did his own.
‘Thank you,’ the deputy said.
Collins put the car in drive and pulled out from the shoulder, accelerating away from the station wagon in which they had traveled across the country. The turn for Silver Water came closer, and Sean waited for her to brake and turn the wheel.
She did not. Instead, she picked up more speed as she passed the exit. Sean turned his head, watched the sign and the turn fall away behind them. The terror that had been squirming in his belly since the sheriff pulled them over now climbed up into his chest and into his throat. The tears came, hot and shocking, spilling from his cheeks onto his T-shirt. He tried to hold them back, but couldn’t. Nor could he keep the whine trapped in his mouth.
Collins glanced back at him. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘Everything’s going to be all right.’
Somehow, the fact that she saw him cry like a baby made it worse, piling shame on top of the fear, and he cried all the harder. He cried for his mom and for home and the time they had together before they had to leave.
Louise reached across the seat, her small hand taking his. ‘Don’t cry,’ she said. ‘Everything’s going to be all right. They told us.’
But Sean knew they lied.
AUDRA SAW THE other cruiser pull away, blurred by her tears. She had watched her children being taken from the station wagon and brought to the deputy’s car, saw Sean’s glances back at her, wept when they disappeared from view. Now Sheriff Whiteside ambled back, his shades on, thumbs hooked into his belt, like there wasn’t a thing wrong with the world. As if her children hadn’t just been driven away by a stranger.
A stranger, maybe, but a policewoman. Whatever trouble Audra might be in, the policewoman would take care of the kids. They would be safe.
‘They’ll be safe,’ Audra said aloud, her voice ringing hollow in the car. She closed her eyes and said it again, like a wish she desperately wanted to come true.
Whiteside opened the driver’s door and lowered himself in, his weight rocking the car. He closed the door, slipped his key into the ignition, and started the engine. The fans whooshed into life, pushing warm air around the interior.
She saw the reflection of his sunglasses in the rearview mirror, and she knew he was watching her, like a bee trapped in a jar. She sniffed hard, swallowed, blinked the tears away.
‘Tow won’t be long,’ he said. ‘Then we’ll be on our way.’
‘That policewoman—’
‘Deputy Collins,’ he said.
‘The deputy, where is she taking my children?’
‘To a safe place.’
Audra leaned forward. ‘Where?’
‘A safe place,’ he said. ‘You got other things to worry about right now.’
She inhaled, exhaled, felt hysteria rise, held it back. ‘I want to know where my children are,’ she said.
Whiteside sat still and silent for a few seconds before he said, ‘Best be quiet now.’
‘Please, just tell—’
He removed his sunglasses, turned in his seat to face her. ‘I said, be quiet.’
Audra knew that look, and it chilled her heart. That melding of hate and anger in his eyes. The same look her father had worn when he’d had a bellyful of liquor and needed to hurt someone, usually her or her little brother.