AAAA
The Society For The Deaf
AABM
The Association for the Abolition of Barry Manilow
CIEC
Campaign for the Impregnation of Edwina Curry
COPEC
Colin On Piano Empties Concert halls
CSK
Keep Spelling Correct
CSRHH
The Conservative Sisterhood for the Re-election of Herr Hitler
EU
Yorkshire expression of admiration
MSUL
Marks & Spencer’s Underwear Leaks
NFMPS
National Front Medieval Poetry Society
RFCMC
Radio Four Can Murder Comedy
USB
North American Insect
USWD
Unbearably Sexy Winter Drawers
Do words fail you? Never again, once you’ve become the proud owner of The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary.
Every word has a meaning, but over the years those meanings change. Dip into these helpfully illustrated pages and you’ll find many of the words you use every day without ever realising that their up-to-date definition is something entirely different.
Words like Bunny (rather like a bun), or Cherish (rather like a chair), Cardiology (the study of knitwear) or Buggery (the study of insects), Venezuela (a gondola with a harpoon) or Norway (a Geordie exclamation of surprise), Ivy (the Roman for ‘four’) or Faculty (cockney for ‘there’s no more PG Tips’).
Thanks to The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary you can now use familiar, everyday words in total confidence, fully appraised of their latest meanings. Happy wording!
A4
A road made of paper
Abacus
Swedish swear word
Abatement
Downstairs storage area used by man with sinus trouble
Abattoir
Three-in-a-bed in a monastery
Aberdare
To challenge Benny, Björn, Agnetha and Anni-Frid
Aberystwyth
A little me time while listening to ‘Dancing Queen’
Abigail
A large wind
Abort
Sea-faring vessel from the Midlands
Abscond
To steal someone’s cream tea
Academic
An outbreak of clarinet playing
Academy
School for complete bastards
Acapulco
Unaccompanied Mexican singing
Accomplish
A drunken sidekick
Acne
Borough in East London
Acolyte
Easy-listening clarinet music
Acoustic
A Scottish cattle prod
Acropolis
Italian for ‘short back and sides if you’d be so kind’
Acupuncture
Very deliberate tyre slashing
Adamant
The very first male ant
Adder
Tasteless boast
Admission
Yet another sequel for Tom Cruise
Aerobic
Chocolate biro
Aerofoil
Chocolate wrapper
Aerospace
Room for more chocolate
Aetiology
The study of food
Affiliation
Affair with a horse
Aficionados
Charity home for orphan fish
Aggregate
Farming scandal
Agog
A half-finished Jewish temple
Albino
Spanish kids’ comic
Alcopops
Alcoholic dads
Alfalfa
A dominant male with a stammer
Algebra
A brassiere made out of kelp
Algorithm
Former Vice President on drums
Alimony
With lemon
Alkaline
A queue at Alcoholics Anonymous
Alligator
Someone who accuses you of things
Allocate
How you greet the Duchess of Cambridge
Alone and forlorn
A borrowed mowing machine
Alpaca
What Italians say when they go on holiday
Alpenhorn
Muesli with dirty bits
Already
Suffering from sunburn
Altercation
1. To change holiday plans
2. Holiday for a vicar
Aluminium
A religious chorus for metal workers
Ambulate
A hearse
Amish
Rather like an arm
Amstrad
Amateur violinist
Analogy
Something that makes you itchy and sneezy
Analyse
To examine someone’s backside
Angiogram
Irish folk singer
Animate
To grow too fond of your pets
Annex
Captain Mark Phillips
Announce
28 grams
Annunciate
To take holy orders loudly and clearly
Antelope
To run off with your mother’s sister
Anticlimax
Excited female relative
Antiquarian
A very old fish tank
Antique
The shrill cry of the ant
Aperitif
Cockney dentures
Apex
Gorilla’s wristwatch
Apocalypse
Disastrous collagen injection
Apollo
Roman god of chickens
Apology
The study of iPad applications
Appendectomy
What Ant shouts when he wants a biro
Appetite
Cheerfully drunk
Approximate
A mistress
Arboretum
A dockside restaurant
Arcade
Noah’s charity
Arcane
Liverpudlian bamboo
Archery
Lying under oath and at all other times
Archive
Where Noah kept his bees
Argy-bargy
Owner of a narrow boat in Buenos Aires
Arizona
The person that Arry belongs to
Armature
An old pirate
Aromatic
A handy gadget used by Robin Hood
Arrest
That long stick thing they use in snooker
Arresting
Jamaican bed
Arsehole
Cry of delight on hearing Marvin Gaye
Arsenal
The whole body
Arsenic
Result of sitting on a razor blade
Arson
Seated
Artefact
Pretentious statistic
Artery
Shooting arrows at paintings
Artichoke
To suppress a cough while
at the theatre
Article
To tease a pirate
Artistry
History of art
Asbestos
Greek Anti-Social Behaviour Order
ASBO
Is courting
Asperger’s syndrome
A tendency to overuse laxatives
Aspersion
Iranian donkey
Asphalt
Constipation
Aspic
Don’t do that
Aspire
The pointy bit on a church
Assailant
A cut-price insect
Assassination
An arrangement to meet a donkey
Assert
A sure winner
Asshole
Suddenly remembering the capital of South Korea
Assimilate
To pretend to be a donkey
Asterisk
The chances of being hit by an asteroid
Asthmatic
Electric bidet
Asymmetry
Place where you bury stiffs
Atomiser
Someone who hoards his molecules
Atrophy
Something you win at sport
Audi A4
What you say when you drop a heavy ream of paper on your foot
Autobiography
A car service book
Autocue
Traffic jam
Automat
October headwear
Avocado
To do one’s supermarket shopping online
Avoidable
What a cow with a headache does
AWOL
A dyslexic owl
B&B
A hive with a population of two
Bacchanalian
To bet on a Martian
Bacteria
Returning more upset than when you left
Badminton
Dodgy English porcelain
Baguette
A little bag
Bakery
Rather like a baker
Balalaika
A fan of Swan Lake
Balderdash
A rapidly receding hairline
Ball-bearing
The side a gentleman dresses
Balloon
An inflatable Belgian
Baltic
Involuntary testicular spasm
Baltimore
To ask for seconds in an Indian restaurant
Bandaging
Rolling Stones
Banquette
A tiny shag
Banshee
Gentlemen’s club
Baptise
Neckwear made of bread rolls
Baptist
A junior hamburger chef
Barbecue
Long wait for a haircut
Barcode
A poem by a dog
Barman
1. A superhero who takes a very long time to notice anybody
2. A sheep impressionist
Barney
Rather like a barn
Barometric
Euro gardening aid
Barrel-organ
Brewer’s droop
Barrier
Even more like Barry than Barry is
Bathos
The anticlimactic musketeer
Battery
Where you leave your bat when you go on holiday
Battleaxe
A boon for constipated bats
Bauhaus
1. Buckingham Palace
2. Dog kennel
Bazaar
Barry the pirate
Bear-baiting
Nude fishing
Bearings
Yogi’s jewellery
Beaten
A posh school for bees
Beatitude
Stroppy mood common in teenage insects
Bedlam
A very special sheep
Beehive
What Australian teachers tell you to do
Beetroot
Scottish term for a second class trout
Beforehand
Insect tennis stroke
Befuddle
A tight group of cattle
Begat
What you wear on a big ’ed
Beginnings
A century at Lords
Beguile
A very broad church
Behemoth
An insect that makes holes in your jumpers and then fills them with honey
Beholder
To sing with ‘Slade’
Benign
What it’ll be after eight
Bequest
A bee hunt
Bespoke
How baby bees are made
Beware
Clothing for bees
Biased
Having four buttocks
Biceps
Sexually ambivalent mushrooms
Bicker
Like a ballpoint only more so
Bicycle
1. A double-headed corn-cutter
2. An icicle that swings both ways
Bidet
Two days before D-Day
Bigamist
A larger than usual fog
Bigamy
That shows magnanimity on my part
Bigotry
A lumberjack’s boast
Bijoux
Source of kosher honey
Bile
Australian bundle of hay
Binmen
People who were male but are now female
Biology
The science of why women shop
Biopsy
An organic gypsy
Biosphere
To purchase a ball
Bipolar
A bear; one day he’s grizzly, the next
day he’s all white
Birkenhead
Merseyside body snatchers
Biro
To purchase fish eggs
Bishopric
Unpopular member of the clergy