One of the key reasons companies fail to transform is that leaders choose to stay busy, working hard on maintaining the status quo, instead of leaning in to the struggle and uncertainty of doing the hard work to create what’s next. This timely book and Dr Fraser’s accessible insights will help leaders revel in the struggle necessary to stay relevant in disruptive times. This book is highly practical and incredibly timely for all of us as we navigate the struggles of modern life.
— Peter Sheahan
Group CEO, Karrikins Group
Too many people are chasing goals that are exactly the opposite of what will bring vitality and fulfillment. In this playful and science informed book, Adam details the problem and offers a wide range of solutions. I know that many people will improve their psychology by reading and re-reading these pages.
— Dr. Todd B. Kashdan
Professor of Psychology and Director of the Well-Being Laboratory at George Mason University and author of The Upside of Your Dark Side
Adam Fraser has always had a clever way with words and stories, and he writes like he talks and presents. In Strive Adam gives us permission to feel anger, frustration, sadness and disappointment, and even to fail; and yet be fulfilled, grateful and content. Strive is a reminder to us all that stepping out of our comfort zone every day is key to our growth as human beings. Strive is a masterpiece in recognising the value of vulnerability, struggle and ultimately triumph as a person and as a leader. Keep struggling, keep striving!
— Avril Henry
Author, Keynote Speaker, Leadership expert
During my military career I achieved a number of firsts for women in the Australian Defence Force. To do this I had to tolerate a great deal of struggle and discomfort. At the time I didn’t enjoy any of those situations where I was stretched or pushed outside of my comfort zone because they were uncomfortable. Yet I was able to manage my emotions and shift my mindset from resistance to one that embraced the struggle and challenge as something that could ultimately increase my skill set and see me achieving things far more than I thought I was ever capable of. If we can adopt an attitude to say yes to new challenges and embrace the struggle of difficult tasks, we might be surprised by what we, and our team, can actually achieve. Dr Adam Fraser articulates this concept so well in his new book Strive which provides you tangible strategies to lead a more fulfilled and purposeful life.
— Major Matina Jewell (RTD)
When Dr Adam talks, we should listen! An expert on performance, Adam’s new book Strive will help you navigate the struggle and discomfort that can wear even the most resilient entrepreneur down.
— Emma Isaacs
Founder and Global CEO, Business Chicks
First published in 2020 by John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd
42 McDougall St, Milton Qld 4064
Office also in Melbourne
© John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd 2020
The moral rights of the author have been asserted
ISBN: 978-0-730-33741-6
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968 (for example, a fair dealing for the purposes of study, research, criticism or review), no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, communicated or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission. All inquiries should be made to the publisher at the address above.
Cover design: Luke Lucas
Strive model illustrations: Jessamy Gee
Disclaimer
The material in this publication is of the nature of general comment only, and does not represent professional advice. It is not intended to provide specific guidance for particular circumstances and it should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not take action on any matter which it covers. Readers should obtain professional advice where appropriate, before making any such decision. To the maximum extent permitted by law, the author and publisher disclaim all responsibility and liability to any person, arising directly or indirectly from any person taking or not taking action based on the information in this publication.
Dr Adam Fraser is a heavy metal loving, car racing, daughter raising, gym junkie, geek researcher. Up until now the greatest moment in his life is being front row at an Iron Maiden concert.
But seriously his first love is his family (they were in the room while we asked him this). He has a gorgeous wife who, lucky for him, decided to lower her standards, and two daughters who have him completely wrapped around their little fingers. His #1 goal in life is to learn how to plait their hair. (Correction — Goal 1a is to work out what a plait actually is.)
His second love is research. The process of proving or disproving common-held assumptions seriously rotates his crops (we agree he needs to get out more). Dr Adam looks at the business and personal development world and is concerned with how much education is based on hearsay, fallacy or is simply made up. Business and life have become more complex and sophisticated. The quality of our education needs to follow suit.
Dr Adam has a PhD in Biomedical Science and his company conducts cutting edge research with different universities all over the world, then disperses that information in a practical form through books, keynote presentations, workshops, training programs, online programs and customised consulting projects. In the last 8 years he has delivered more than 1200 presentations to over 300 000 people globally.
He likes research so much he even researched himself (we know, he is out of control). He is thought to be the only keynote presenter in the world to have the impact of their keynote measured in a university study. Drum Roll! It improved the addressed behaviour by 43 per cent.
Most of all he hopes his work and research brings you value and, more importantly, helps you to be a better version of yourself for your family, your community and the globe.
The biggest thanks goes to my wife Christine. You are not only amazing and the love of my life but also one of the wisest people I know. Thanks so much for running defence for me on the home front while I was writing this book. You took one for the team. I love you.
To my daughters Isabella and Alexis, you are the spark in my life. I love you more than I could ever begin to describe. Thanks for being my guinea pigs and letting me mess with your minds — in a good way.
Thanks to my family, Mum, Dad, Sam and Doris. Your support and love mean so much to me.
To my team, Monica, Isabel and Rosemary for working so hard and making the business what it is today. Mon you have been by my side for a lot of years, I couldn't wish for a better right-hand woman, your ideas, insights and wisdom make my world so much better. Isabel thanks for all you do for the business and for the family too, you are an amazing role model for the girls.
Big thanks goes to the team from Wiley, Lucy, Ingrid, Charlotte, Chris and Bronwyn. You have all been a class act. Sorry Lucy I am sure this book gave you an ulcer. It took a while but we got there.
Alina Taylor, I appreciate you getting me to look at this book through a different lens. You really made a difference.
John Molineux thanks for not only being a great research partner but also a great human. None of this would have been possible without your hard work and dedication.
Bob Willetts thanks for having the guts and passion to engage us to develop The Flourish Movement. It has been a pleasure to work with you and it is one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done. To all the school leaders who have done Flourish, I have so much respect for what you do and at the very least society should give you all a weekly parade in your honour.
A big thanks goes to my teammates, who are the other researchers and professional speakers who support and inspire me continually. Thanks goes to Keith Abrahams, Amanda Stephens, Avril Henry, Matina and Clent Jewel, Dan Gregory, Kieran Flanagan, Simon Brakespear, Tim Longhurst, David Lawson, Dom Thurbon, Emily Heath, Darren Hill, Jason Fox, Glenn Capelli, Colin James, Allan Parker, Michael Steger and Todd Kashdan.
To Jen Jackson, the coolest cat I know, thanks for the advice on the cover. You rock!
Speaking of covers thanks to Luke Lucas for the amazing font.
Thanks to a few people who really helped get my speaking career off the ground, I will never forget the difference you made. Deb Claxton, Marg Booth, Winsome Bernard, Doug Malouf, John Tilden, Peter Sheahan and Matt Church.
Finally, thanks to all the amazing people who contributed to our research and helped us understand how to strive. I am forever grateful.
The past decade or so has been accompanied by the prominent rise in dystopian visions of a terrifying future. One notable example, The Hunger Games series, literally pits people against each other as sacrificial representatives of their communities in a battle to the death. Generation Z and the Millennials have grown up in a world where seemingly every desire is at their fingertips and entertainment of every form imaginable ceaselessly streams toward them. They spent their leisure time glued to screens blasting away at each other in virtual worlds or watching children like themselves fight for survival.
Aside from the fact that the world seems to have been too lazy to bother to name either of us, Gen X shares at least one other similarity with our Generation Z children, the juxtaposition of a new era of convenience and comfort dawning before us with an attraction to apocalyptic doomsday futures. I still remember how the microwave oven transformed each of us Gen X slackers into kitchen maestros. One of the leading products was a microwavable ice cream sundae — you would “pop it in the ‘wave” and out would come a cool ice cream treat with warm, oozing fudge topping. Once you got past the microwave name, this scary-sounding convenience miracle delivered on its vow of keeping the hot, hot and the cool, cool. Cable TV and minivans promised to either bring the world to us, or bring us to it in comfort and ease. For my Gen X peers, we counterbalanced this sweet vision with War Games, Mad Max, and Steven King's The Stand. On top of this, horror movies flourished, whether imaginary (Friday the 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc.) or real, such as the macabre bootleg only-on-VHS phenomenon, Faces of Death.
On the one hand, life in developed economies had never been better, but on the other hand, visions of how easily all that good life could be lost and how grisly the aftermath might be pervaded the cultural landscape. As they do now. In one of the endless series of movies about comic book heroes, a powerful purple space ogre (no, not Grimace, my Gen X friends) puts on a bedazzled glove and with a snap of his fingers wipes out half of the life in the universe. I don't know if he got half of the mosquitos, but he definitely got half of the superheroes. In this world of virtual reality, 3D movies, streaming entertainment, powerful communication tools you can use to send your friends silly selfies or badly lip-synced videos, the most popular pop culture entertainment has been a portrayal of a world in which we're snuffed out, eenie-meenie-miney-moe style.
I met Adam Fraser in 2013 while doing a lecture and workshop series in Australia. I laughed my ass off during his talk and had so many light bulbs of insight flashing that I thought I had been outed by the paparazzi as Halle Berry's secret lover. One of my favorite moments, and one that I know many people connect with, was a side-by-side photo comparison of new and old playgrounds. The rubber flooring and rounded slides of the new playground contrasted with the rickety metal girders, splintered wood, and jutting rusty nails of the playground I used to run around as a kid. In fact, I still have a nice chunk missing from my shin bone from where I tried (and failed) to jump off the top of one of those extinct metal geodesic domes that passed for entertainment back then.
As much as I could spin unending yarns of life ‘back in my day', the point of this foreword is to reflect on a vital, pressing dynamic Adam Fraser has pinpointed in this book. Despite the fact that people spend billions on both imaginary convenience (oh, the convenience of 80 emails and 2 000 Slack messages every hour!) and imaginary duress, we seem to treat our penchant for laziness and ease as a manifest human right, and our innate craving for a bit of struggle and strife as mere fun and games. Two-day shipping is real, escape rooms and theme park haunted houses are pretend.
I think we have this completely backwards! Real comfort and convenience do next to nothing for us as beings who seek to grow, learn, and flourish. Instead this path weakens us, seduces us into dependence on whole galaxies of apps, gadgets, consultants and assistants. Fake struggle and strife also do next to nothing for us other than perhaps give us an inflated sense of our ability to deal with real hassle and hardship. What we actually need in order to grow, learn, flourish and have lives that matter is fake comfort and convenience and real struggle and strife. Only through work, effort, meeting challenges and being tested in our real lives do we find new insights, exceed our present limitations and construct meaningful lives truly worth living.
Through personal anecdote, professional experience, and most importantly empirical research, Adam Fraser shows us the power in digging deep and embracing that the difficult jobs in life, the uncomfortable talks, the nerve-wracking performances, the edgy interventions, the tough to swallow bitter pills of changing unhealthy lifestyles. What is even more remarkable is how fun and enjoyable it is to read this book. It is maddeningly difficult to talk about how everyone needs to have more agony and suffering in their lives without sounding bossy, glum or boring. Adam avoids this trap. With a deft touch for enthusiasm, intriguing examples, hilarious analogies, and the bemusedly shocked demeanor that cracked me up the first time I ever saw him present, Adam Fraser lays a persuasive and inviting path to a world that is intentionally a bit more difficult and a bit more challenging, but much, much more fulfilling.
In a real world beset by massive real struggles and real threats, we each need to step up and take on the challenges before us, particularly those that we would not ordinarily choose ourselves. Upon each of us now is bestowed the gift and the challenge to work for a better us and a better world. Let's do as Adam Fraser says and Strive on!
Michael F. Steger, PhD
Director, Center for Meaning and Purpose
Colorado State University, USA
These days, most people across the world are focusing on the pursuit of comfort and the avoidance of struggle – in other words, getting things without having to go through the hard work. We just want to be happy. We just wanna feel good. We want to have everything handed to us on a silver platter. We want to work on our strengths, building only on what we're good at and ignoring what we suck at.
But here's the bad news: this attitude is having a devastating impact on our mental health and wellbeing. Human beings feel most alive when they are courageously striving to overcome challenge and struggle. We get our sense of self-esteem and self-worth from being in the trenches, being forced to exhibit courage and evolve so we can overcome that struggle. Falling into the trap of spending all our time chasing happiness and comfort is destroying our lives.
Forget the slow tease, it's totally overrated. Let's do the reveal right up-front. So what is this book all about? For more than ten years, I have been working on performance and wellbeing projects with my brilliant and wonderful research partner from Deakin University, Dr John Molineux. Through this research, we discovered a finding that totally blew our minds, and made us rethink everything we thought we knew about performance and stress. You see how most research works is that you have some sort of hypothesis (an idea about how something works), you review what research has been done in the past in the area, and then you set up an experiment to add to the collective knowledge on that subject. Our finding did not follow that formula at all. We stumbled across a discovery and then spent years trying to make sense of it. Trust us to do it the hard way!
It all started with a particular project, where we asked participants to complete a ten-day diary study. A diary study is where people
record what they are doing at specific points of the day. We use this method because it greatly increases the accuracy of the data through people recording things in real time rather than in retrospect. Specifically, we asked people to record the tasks they were doing, how they felt during that task and the impact of that task on them. And we asked them to do this so we could measure the level of flow in their day.
No doubt, you've heard of the concept of flow, first described by the prominent psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It is a state of complete immersion in a challenging task. In fact, during flow you are so immersed and lost in what you are doing that time seems to vanish. As the following table highlights, the state is defined as being made up of five distinct factors: high in challenge, high in skill required, a feeling of time distorting, high in enjoyment, and high in interest.
| Characteristics of flow | |
| Challenge | High |
| Skill required | High |
| Enjoyment | High |
| Interest | High |
| Time | Distorts |
Classic examples of flow are artists working on a painting when suddenly they realise it is dark outside and the day is over, or a scientist doing an experiment where they get so engrossed in the activity they forget about a meeting they must attend. Perhaps you've experienced it when your hour-long slot for a presentation feels like five minutes. Flow has been extensively researched and has been shown to not only be a state of high performance but also one that promotes excellent wellbeing.
The finding in our research that blew our minds was that the activities that built people's skill, confidence and a sense of achievement the most were not high in all five factors of flow. The activities that really built their self-esteem and self-worth and gave them a feeling of pride showed the following factors:
The next table sums these findings up.
| Characteristics of skill and confidence building | |
| Challenge | High |
| Skill required | High |
| Enjoyment | Low |
| Interest | Low |
| Time | Distorts |
Hang on a minute. Activities with low enjoyment and low interest are actually good for us? WTF?! This was not supposed to be true. So I decided we should keep studying this finding in more and more groups — and we kept finding the same thing. When we interviewed our study participants they said things like, ‘Yeah, flow is awesome and it feels great, but the tasks and activities that really build my skill and confidence are the scary stuff that afterwards I think, How the hell did I pull that off?'. Moreover, when the people in the study talked about these types of activities, they said that as they entered the activity they felt all sorts of negative emotions, such as fear, anxiety and panic. And they often had negative thoughts, such as predicting a disastrous outcome. Say they had to have a difficult conversation with a peer or direct report, for example. They dreaded having the conversation and often predicted that the conversation would go badly. Despite their negative thoughts and emotions, participants who chose to meet the difficult situation head on did so by focusing on four things:
While these moments were not enjoyable or fun, after they had completed them people reflected on them with a sense of awe. They were in awe of themselves for being capable of overcoming such a challenging situation. They told us, ‘these are the moments that count'; these are the moments where they truly grew and evolved. One participant described them as the moments where they get in the trenches and fight it out with the things that scare them. These moments provide huge benefit as you crawl out of the trenches to find a new and better version of yourself, a version that has evolved and grown.
Striving equals taking on challenging activities that require us to be brave and evolve in the pursuit of something that is purposeful and important.
I define this as the state of striving. Striving is where we tackle difficult things (high in challenge and requiring a high level of skill) and have to display courage (overcoming low enjoyment and low interest) in the pursuit of a meaningful goal, aspiration or vision. Striving equals taking on challenging activities that require us to be brave and evolve in the pursuit of something that is purposeful and important. It is a critical and necessary state that leads to huge levels of fulfilment and transformation. The sad reality is most people are not engaging in it nearly enough.
As you move through the book you will see the Strive model gradually unveiled. A new piece of the model will be revealed in each chapter to help you see where you are on the Strive journey. Cool hey!
In the following chapters, I cover the specifics of striving and why you should want to do it more often. I explain how to practically strive but, most of all, I convince you that in order to have a rich life you have to get in the trenches with things that scare you, fight it out and celebrate when you crawl out the other side.
If you are now thinking, Shit! Why did I buy this book? I'm not interested in doing things that make me uncomfortable. I was more after a book that has five easy steps to high performance, or one that sorts out my life in 12 super simple strategies. Well, let me tell you that easy sucks. In fact, let me prove it to you!
Picture ‘paradise'. What does it look like?
I'm sure in your version of paradise you have plenty of money and nice things — of course, lots of nice things. Flash cars, expensive clothes, big — no, offensively big — houses, swimming pools, jewellery … hell, yes! A boatload of jewellery. Is something missing? Perhaps work? But you're scoffing, right? Work does not exist in most people's paradise or, if it does, it's work that has very little stress and low expectation. Sounds good, doesn't it? The stuff of dreams? Wanna go?
Counterintuitively, if you want to have a fulfilled life, if you want to have strong self-esteem and if you want to be the best version of yourself, you need to avoid this kind of ‘paradise' like the plague. The reality is that the environment I have just described is not a healthy one. How do I know? Well, I have been to ‘paradise' and it totally changed the way I viewed happiness and fulfilment. Because the paradise I went to is killing people's souls.
It all started with a simple phone call.
I was walking down George Street in Sydney when my mobile phone rang. I answered and was greeted by a woman with a very thick Arabic accent.
‘My name is Intisar. I saw you present at the Dalai Lama happiness conference and we would like you to come to Kuwait and help us make the country happier.' My initial thought was, Of course you do. I get these calls all the time. I thought for certain this was a scam. (I later found out Intisar's representatives had sent us three emails and my team had deleted them all because they also thought it was some sort of hoax.)
The next thought my sceptical mind had was that my mates had paid this woman to prank call me. (They do hideously mean stuff like this all the time. They once hired an actor to convince me that 60 Minutes was going to do a story on my research. After hanging up the phone from the actor, who I thought was a reporter, I was so excited. I called my mum, I called my top clients, and then finally called my best friend and said, ‘Dude, you would not believe the day I have had' — at which point, he burst out laughing. Anyway, I digress; I'm just trying to show you that they are awful.) Thinking that this was my mates' doing, I started being incredibly rude to this woman. I demanded payment in rubies. I said to her, ‘I will need a camel'. As expected, she was shocked and questioned this request. But I stayed firm, insisting ‘the camel is a deal-breaker; I must have a camel'.
I can't remember what she said, but have you ever had that moment where your body goes hot from head to toe with embarrassment? Because this was the moment I realised the phone call was real. The most mortifying part was that the woman who I was being increasingly rude to goes by the title of ‘Sheikha', which means ‘princess' in Kuwait. The Princess of Kuwait calls me to go work on this project? You can't make this stuff up.
Luckily, due to her amazing sense of humour, we got past this embarrassing introduction and over the next four years I travelled to Kuwait to work on making the country happier. The organisation driving this project is called Alnowair, a not-for-profit initiative founded by Sheikha Intisar, who is also the CEO. A true patriot, Intisar saw greater potential for Kuwait to evolve as a society; for the people to elevate their level of happiness and joy to match the amazing country in which they lived, that was rich in not only money but also opportunity, history and culture. So she set up Alnowair to make Kuwait a more positive and thriving society.
When I first met Intisar, I was struck by her presence. Her enthusiasm and laughter light up any room, beyond her beauty and her sea of thick black hair. Intisar has a zest and a liveliness that is rarely seen, and a laugh that is never forgotten. I've met a lot of successful people, but what stands out about her to me is her curiosity and constant striving to find what is next, or what she can do that people have recently said is impossible.
Getting to know the country of Kuwait has been a fascinating experience. The Kuwaitis are beautiful people and I've truly fallen in love with them and their country. As I write this I experience pings of sadness because I flat out miss them. I have fallen for their food (a mate of mine, Darren Hill, was on one of the trips and coined the phrase ‘Wanna put on weight? Come to Kuwait!'), amazing history, and the ever-present feeling of safety. I miss so many things about being there, but in particular I miss the call to prayer, which fills me with a Zen-like state every time I hear it. It's hauntingly beautiful. I have even fallen in love with the complexity and beauty of the language, and the last time I was there I did the first couple of minutes of my presentation in Arabic.
Even though I love the country, something is missing. While the people were kind, smart, articulate and incredibly hospitable, something was not quite right. At first, I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, other than to say there was a percentage of the population that didn't have the zest, passion and energy that I'd found in Intisar. They lacked fire. They existed but they didn't really live.
So I did what any self-respecting researcher would do and turned to the literature. The research I looked at indicated that Kuwait's global happiness ratings were dropping. In fact, some reports showed that they had a (lack of) smiling problem, and people's levels of happiness and wellbeing did not match the amazing privilege and comfort that living in one of the world's richest countries afforded them.
Many people who had lived in Kuwait for a long period said that the number of privileged people who spent their time complaining about insignificant issues had increased. However, Kuwait was not always like this, and has a history of being incredibly resilient and overcoming insurmountable struggle. They had to learn how to live in an incredibly arid and harsh landscape, and then were nearly wiped out by plague. But in true Kuwait style they fought back and once again flourished. They became incredibly skilled at trading and grew into the trading hub of the Middle East. Due to changes in economic conditions and the global landscape, that prosperity was threatened, but then oil was discovered and financially the country has prospered ever since, even though they have suffered through war and the threat of invasion. To sum up Kuwait's history, its people have been regularly knocked to the ground but each time they have gotten up swinging and come out of it stronger.
So what has changed in modern-day Kuwait? Before I get into the detail we have to acknowledge that there are many factors to consider when making broad statements about what contributes to an entire country's happiness. One such factor is that the concept of focusing on happiness and being more positive has not been a cultural focus for the Kuwaitis. It is a relatively new idea. However our research uncovered a surprising aspect of their culture that is having a negative impact on their wellbeing. It's simply too easy to live there. To put it bluntly they have too much money. (Just pause to let that sink in.) In other words, the Kuwaitis don't have enough struggle and challenge.
Due to the above revelation you are probably now thinking everyone in Kuwait lives in a palace, has seven Ferraris and walks their lions on a gold leash. To be truthful there is that element. I have been for dinner at houses that had pools and grounds similar to those that you would find in a five-star resort. At one dinner on my last trip, a guest was an 18-year-old male who showed up in a brand-new Bentley. Being a car nut, I asked him if it was his parents' car. He said, ‘Oh no it's mine!' And then proceeded to list the other cars he had: another Bentley, two Rolls-Royces and a Ferrari. He then discussed his significant watch collection. My not too subtle Australian companion asked what the one he was wearing was worth; a quarter of a million US dollars was the answer. Also, I did meet a guy with lions. After he showed me a picture of his pet lions I said, ‘Dude how do you get lions?' He looked at me like I was stupid and said, ‘Um, you buy a lion, that's how you get them!' However those experiences are not the norm, they only apply to a minority.
Having said that the citizens are not struggling. The level of wealth for the average Kuwaiti national is high. One of the reasons for this is the government of Kuwait is extremely generous to their people. According to a Reuters article from 2013 (‘Kuwait's parliament approves personal debt relief law'), in 1991, following the Gulf War, the government wrote off the majority of consumer debt and instigated a series of handouts to help restart life in the country. It then forgave $20 billion in bad loans still hanging around from the 1982 stock market crash where investors had borrowed large sums of money to invest in stocks. In 2011, to celebrate significant anniversaries, each Kuwaiti was given 1000 dinars and free food rations for 13 months. Even as recently as 2013, the parliament decided that the banks were accumulating their interest in an unfair way so approved a law to buy some citizens' personal loans and write off the interest. Add to all this the regular handouts of cash and benefits Kuwaitis get for significant events like having a child, getting married or finding yourself without a job, and you can start to see struggle and challenge is a distant memory for most Kuwaitis. The concept of competition has also been removed, through a government mandate to hire everyone. Everyone gets a job — if you graduate at 21, you have a job by 21 and 2 days. As a result of these measures, the majority of Kuwaitis are not striving. They are well looked after.
While I was there I spent a lot of time talking to expats about this issue. A number of them told me that Kuwaiti nationals who are employed by the government physically work on average between one and five hours per week. That is if they show up at all! Many of them mentioned people who are employed but didn't actually come to work — Kuwaiti nationals are often employed because they know someone of significance, but they are not required to come in at all. In fact, one manager told me that he had a woman in his team, on full pay and benefits, who had never even been to Kuwait and lived in Zürich.
Now, you might be reading this and thinking, Regular handouts, no stress, don't have to go to work; bring that on! However, this lack of challenge and struggle has robbed many of the beautiful people of Kuwait from living a fulfilled and purposeful life. Even the 18-year-old with the enviable car collection (who was a lovely guy, very kind and generous and not pretentious). When I spoke to him about his passions, his plans for the future and what made him feel alive, he simply talked about possessions and things that he had or wanted to buy.
To summarise our findings, what this project taught us was that those who had what most people would consider the optimal life (low on challenge and struggle) lacked wellbeing, zest and passion. In contrast those who moved away from that seemingly low struggle environment into one that involved challenge, discomfort and uncertainty, became more alive and fulfilled.
For more than a decade we have been obsessed with happiness. Thousands of books, presenters and courses are teaching us how to be happy. Are we more happy? No! We are the most depressed, anxious and medicated group of people in history. The happiness movement has failed us. It is detracting from our wellbeing, not adding to it. How has it done this? By demonising emotional states that do not align to happiness.
Struggle, challenge and discomfort are critical experiences human beings need so they can evolve and feel fulfilled.
Struggle, challenge and discomfort are critical experiences human beings need so they can evolve and feel fulfilled. As a society we have been approaching struggle, challenge and happiness all wrong. We can still have high levels of challenge and pressure and at the same time have excellent wellbeing and fulfilment. Our studies have shown that, just like the people of Kuwait, when we get everything we want, it's devastating for us.
As I've already mentioned, underpinning this book is ten years of research focusing on performance and wellbeing. The research did not focus on elite athletes or special forces soldiers. Why? Because they are freaks. They are not normal. They are so exceptional that many of the strategies they rely on do not relate to the average person. And our data set did not focus on CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, because they are freaks too. Many of them can sleep five hours a night and easily handle abnormal levels of stress and pressure. Plus, you don't want to emulate people who are elite. Why? In my experience, the majority of them are a disaster, often self-absorbed and unable to function in a constructive way.
Instead, this research focused on employees of varying levels of seniority. You could say we explored people at all levels of performance who had a ‘normal' life. Although I also talk about Olympic athletes if their case study adds to the learning, they were not our focus and we did not build research around the ‘find what the best of the best do and then teach everyone to do that, model.
The key finding we discovered over those ten years was that people are most fulfilled and feel best about themselves when they are in a state of striving. Just to remind you, I define striving as taking deliberate action towards a meaningful goal, aspiration or vision.However, it's not just any type of action. The action must require people to evolve and exhibit courage in the face of struggle.
Striving is made up of courage and evolution and it is the state you need to spend more time in if you want to live your best possible life.
So are you ready? On your marks, get set, go!